The Problem
I’ve read about fifteen parenting books over the years. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, The Whole-Brain Child, Nonviolent Communication, Simplicity Parenting, Good Inside, and others. Each one gave me ideas I liked. None of them turned into consistent behavior.
The gap isn’t information. I know I should connect before correcting. I know flooded kids can’t learn. I know praise has downsides. But knowing doesn’t help when I’m trying to get three kids out the door and someone is melting down about socks.
Reading about parenting is not the same as being able to parent. Intellectual understanding doesn’t automatically become skill. For that, you need practice, repetition, internalization — you need to build habits.
I’ve noticed this with parenting content on Instagram too. Watching a 60-second reel about “what to say instead of ‘good job’” feels productive. It scratches the itch. But a week later, I’m still saying “good job.” The information went in; the behavior didn’t change.
What I needed wasn’t more information. I needed a structure for operationalizing — for turning “I know I should” into actually doing.
Existing Structures
Some programs offer this. The Incredible Years is evidence-based and has a clear curriculum structure. But it’s expensive, designed for group facilitation, and not fully aligned with my values — it uses praise, rewards, and time-out, which I wanted to avoid.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen was originally developed as a training course, and the book preserves some of that structure. It’s closer to what I wanted. But I also had ideas from a dozen other books I wanted to synthesize: the brain-state awareness from The Whole-Brain Child, the environment simplification from Simplicity Parenting, the needs-based framing from NVC, the sturdy leadership concept from Good Inside.
I wanted a curriculum that pulled together everything I’d found valuable into one coherent practice path. (For how I built it, see the companion post.)
What I Built
I ended up building a 16-step curriculum for my specific family: two-year-old twins and a six-year-old, with a neurodiversity lens throughout (our household is likely ND, and the adults mask well).
The core structure came from The Incredible Years’ evidence-based sequencing, but I replaced the parts I disagreed with:
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No praise, rewards, or time-out. I drew on Alfie Kohn’s critique of rewards, Faber’s alternatives to punishment, and NVC’s approach to requests. The curriculum uses descriptive noticing, co-regulation, and natural outcomes instead.
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Capacity-first design. I designed for the hard case: tired, ND, three kids under six. This is basically the curb-cut effect — what works for constrained situations tends to work for everyone. Every step has a “The One Thing” escape hatch, a fridge card, and an “if you only have 10 seconds” option.
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70% standard. Better to complete imperfectly than abandon. The curriculum explicitly builds in permission to be “good enough” — because perfectionism prevents practice.
The Lenses
Two philosophical lenses shaped the curriculum, both reflecting how I already see the world:
Buddhist lens. I’m Buddhist, and these values and practices are integrated throughout my life. The curriculum’s emphasis on impermanence, self-compassion, and “allowing struggle” within a window of tolerance comes from this lens. It’s not an add-on; it’s my default worldview made explicit.
Waldorf lens. Our oldest goes to a Waldorf school. We chose it deliberately because it aligns with our values — we wanted childhood wildness before being asked to sit still, rhythm over rigid scheduling, imitation over instruction. The school already matched our home life reasonably well; this curriculum increases that alignment.
The Result
The curriculum has 16 steps organized into 6 phases, from “Regulated Parent, Safer Home” through “Parent Sustainability.” Each step includes:
- “The One Thing” — if you read nothing else, read this
- Three tracks — parent regulation, child skill, environment tweak — with permission to pick just one
- Quick Reference Card — printable one-pager for the fridge
- ND adaptations — body-based alternatives, soft numbers, explicit escape hatches
The goal isn’t to learn more. The goal is to practice, internalize, and build habits. The curriculum is a structure for doing that.
Key sources: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, The Whole-Brain Child, Simplicity Parenting, Nonviolent Communication, Good Inside, Unconditional Parenting, The Incredible Years (structure), Brave Parenting, and others documented in the curriculum.