A guide for navigating grandparents, teachers, and caregivers who use approaches different from yours.
You’ve chosen to move away from rewards, praise like “good job,” and time-out—not because these are terrible, but because you want to try approaches that:
This isn’t about perfect parenting. It’s about experimenting with connection-based approaches and seeing what works for your family.
Here’s the hard truth: Grandma is going to say “good boy.” The preschool will use sticker charts. Your in-laws will offer candy for good behavior.
And that’s okay.
Your child doesn’t need every adult in their life to parent the same way. What matters most is:
These aren’t about changing other people—they’re about communicating your approach without creating conflict.
“We’re trying something a little different at home. I know it might seem unusual, but it’s working for us. You don’t need to do anything different—I just wanted you to know where we’re coming from.”
“I really appreciate how much you love [child’s name]. We’re experimenting with describing what we notice instead of saying ‘good job’—something like ‘You finished your whole plate!’ It’s just something we’re trying. No pressure to do the same.”
“I wanted to share that we’re using a different approach at home around rewards and time-out. I’m not asking you to change anything in your classroom—I know you have a whole group to manage. I just wanted you to know so we’re on the same page.”
“I hear you, and I know this approach has worked for a lot of kids. We’re just trying something different for our family right now. I appreciate you understanding.”
Kids are remarkably adaptable. They already know that school has different rules than home, that Grandma’s house is different than daycare. This is just one more version of that.
Before a visit:
“Grandma might give you a sticker when you do something she likes. That’s how Grandma shows she’s happy. At our house, we do things a little differently, and that’s okay.”
After they experience something different:
“I heard Grandpa said you were a ‘good boy’ for sharing. How did that feel?”
“It sounds like you got a time-out at school today. That must have been hard. Want to tell me about it?”
When they’re confused:
“Different grown-ups have different ways of doing things. At our house, we [describe your approach]. At school, they do it another way. Both can be okay.”
Your child might:
All of these are valid. Listen without trying to “fix” their experience or criticize the other adult:
“It sounds like you really liked getting that sticker.”
“That sounds frustrating. I’m sorry that happened.”
“Yeah, it can be confusing when grown-ups do things differently.”
| Situation | What’s Happening | Your Response |
|---|---|---|
| Grandparent says “Good girl!” | They’re expressing love in their way | Let it go. Your child knows your voice too. |
| Teacher uses sticker chart | Standard classroom management | ”That’s how your teacher helps the whole class.” |
| Daycare uses time-out | Their policy for behavior | Process feelings afterward; stay connected at home. |
| Relative offers candy for behavior | Trying to motivate/connect | Decide if this is your battle. Often it isn’t. |
Usually let it go:
Consider speaking up:
You’re not being a hypocrite by accepting some differences and drawing lines at others. Trust your judgment.
Your child’s relationship with you is the most influential one in their life. A few “good jobs” from grandma or a sticker chart at preschool won’t undo the connection and trust you’re building at home.
Focus your energy where it matters: your own home, your own relationship, your own consistency.
This section is designed to be shared with other adults in your child’s life.
We’re trying some new approaches at home that might look a little different from what you’re used to. Here’s the short version:
Instead of “Good job!” or “Good girl/boy” → We try to describe what we notice: “You put on your own shoes!” or “You shared with your sister.”
Instead of rewards for behavior → We try to let natural satisfaction be the reward, or just connect and appreciate together.
Instead of time-out → We try to stay close and help during hard moments.
Seriously. We’re not asking you to do things our way. Kids are smart—they know different places have different rules. What works at our house doesn’t have to be what works at yours.
We know you love our child. That’s what matters most. We appreciate you being part of their life, and we’re grateful you’re willing to hear a little about what we’re trying at home.
Document for [Your Family Name] • Feel free to adapt and share