Phase 1: Regulated Parent, Safer Home
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting
Phase: 1 — Regulated Parent, Safer Home
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
This week, you don’t teach your kids anything new. You learn to notice brain states — theirs and yours.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. Just ask yourself throughout the day: “Flooded or receptive?”
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill (internal only) | Spot brain states — no new kid tools yet | Throughout day |
| 2. Parent Practice | Hand-on-heart breath | 1-2 min, 3x/day |
| 3. Environment | Reduce clutter in one hotspot | 20-30 min once |
If you only have…
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 2 is the best default) and call it a win.
If you like paper, print the Step 1 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Your child’s brain has two parts that matter right now:
When a child is flooded (screaming, hitting, melting down), their upstairs brain goes offline. They literally cannot:
This isn’t defiance. It’s neuroscience.
The same is true for you. When YOU’RE flooded, your own upstairs brain goes offline. You can’t parent well from survival mode.
Once you internalize “flooded = can’t learn,” you stop:
You start:
| State | Signs in Kids | Signs in You |
|---|---|---|
| Flooded | Screaming, hitting, rigid body, glazed eyes, irrational demands, “wrong-shaped pasta” level upset, OR suddenly very quiet/blank/shutdown | Raised voice, clenched jaw, racing heart, “I can’t handle this,” urge to yell or flee. If you look calm but feel like you might explode, that’s flooded too (masking). |
| Receptive | Calmer body, can make eye contact, can hear you, responds to questions | Breathing normally, thinking clearly, can speak calmly |
Every time chaos starts, ask silently:
That’s the whole skill this week. Just notice. Don’t try to fix anything differently yet.
For 2-year-olds (twins):
For 6-year-old:
Twin dynamics:
Your only job is safety and calming. Not teaching.
Think: “Wait now, teach later.”
The teaching happens AFTER the meltdown, not during. (We’ll get there in future weeks.)
Buddhist Lens (Optional): This is mindful awareness (sati) — simply knowing what’s happening as it happens. “Flooded or receptive?” is a micro-mindfulness practice. And when you pause before reacting, you’re practicing equanimity — being a mountain while weather changes around you. See Buddhist Lens for more.
For ND nervous systems, “being the mountain” might also mean using earplugs, dimming the lights, or stepping away briefly to regulate yourself before you can be present again.
Time: 1-2 minutes, 3x/day
Setup: Set 3 phone alarms (morning, afternoon, evening)
ND = neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD, sensory processing differences, PDA profile, etc.). This curriculum works for all kids, but we’re designing especially with ND kids and ND parents in mind.
If the mantra feels fake or uncomfortable:
If heart focus is hard or activating (trauma, interoception difficulties):
If alarms annoy you or you ignore them:
Time: 20-30 minutes once this week
Goal: Reduce visual chaos in ONE area
Pick one “hotspot” — a cluttered area that triggers you or the kids:
Remove or box up 1/3 of what’s there
Test: Could your 6-year-old tidy this area in 5 minutes?
Just do ONE surface. Kitchen counter. Entry table. One shelf. 10 minutes max.
If this task triggers shame, shrink it further: clear one shelf, not a room. Or skip it this week entirely — the brain-state skill is what matters most.
When the kids fight this week, your only question is:
“Is this dangerous or just annoying?”
Notice:
You’re not ignoring them — you’re gathering data. (Sibling strategies come later.)
We’ll build more sibling tools in Step 11. For now, just sort: dangerous vs annoying.
You’ve got this when:
You automatically think “flooded or receptive?” before responding to chaos — at least half the time.
Not 100%. Not even 70%. Just… it’s becoming a habit. You catch yourself mid-reaction and pause.
If that’s not happening after a week, stay on Step 1. There’s no rush.
No. When a child is flooded, the learning part of the brain is offline.
Safety and calming first. Teaching later.
Put sticky notes where meltdowns happen:
Write: “Flooded or receptive?"
Your state matters MORE. You can’t co-regulate from flooded.
Try: Check yourself FIRST. “Am I okay-enough to handle this?”
“Okay-enough” doesn’t mean calm or zen. It just means: I can keep everyone safe and I’m unlikely to say/do something I’ll really regret.
Safety first. Then:
It’s okay if this takes a few minutes. It’s okay if you’re not perfect.
Simple: “I’m practicing taking breaths when things get hard. It helps my brain calm down.”
You’re modeling. That IS the teaching.
See the Emergency Mode Guide. When life explodes (illness, crisis, sleep collapse), your only job is safety, co-regulation, and self-compassion. The rest can wait.
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge