Phase: 2 — Connect & Name Feelings Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
The One Thing
This week, you give each child 10-15 minutes of daily special time where they lead completely.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. Put your phone away, follow their lead, don’t teach or correct anything.
Last step you practiced just watching without fixing and simplified the environment. This step, you use those same “noticing” muscles in a short, focused burst of child-led play.
Good enough version:
Aim for special time with at least one child 3 days this week. Anything above that is a bonus.
Good-enough for this family: Aim for any special time with one child per day, and rotate.
5 minutes: Sit on floor near one child, follow their lead, say nothing
10-15 minutes: Full special time with one child
30 minutes once this week: Set up after-school transition ritual
You do not have to do all 3 tracks.
Core focus (if anything happens): Some version of Track 1
Pure bonus: Track 2 and/or Track 3 (only if you have capacity)
Start with one child if doing all three feels like too much.
If you like paper, print the Step 4 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Why This Matters
The Science (30-second version)
This step we focus on deepening connection; next step we’ll add more explicit feeling-words on top of the connection you’re building here.
Child-directed play:
Fills their “connection tank” (reduces attention-seeking behavior)
Builds their sense of autonomy and competence
Gives them experience of being truly seen and followed
Reduces power struggles throughout the day
10-15 minutes of full presence beats 2 hours of half-attention. Quality over quantity.
Waldorf Lens (Optional): Waldorf calls this honoring “play as the child’s work.” When you follow their lead without teaching or directing, you’re respecting the developmentally complete mode of learning for young children. See Waldorf Lens for more.
What This Changes
You stop:
Constant interruptions for attention
As much “look at me!” behavior
Feeling like you never give them enough
You start:
Having predictable connection they can count on
Seeing what interests them when no one’s directing
Getting cooperation more easily (their tank is full)
Track 1 – Child Skill: Special Time (10-15 Minutes Daily)
The Setup
Schedule it — same time each day if possible:
After school/daycare
Before dinner
After sibling is in bed (for one-on-one time)
Name it — “This is your special time with [Mom/Dad/etc.]”
Set a timer — they need to know when it ends (and so do you)
The Rules (For You)
You DO
You DON’T
Follow their lead completely
Suggest activities
Narrate what you see (sportscasting)
Teach or correct
Mirror their expressions and energy
Ask leading questions
Stay present and attentive
Check your phone
End with a transition warning
End abruptly
Always okay: Step in for safety, harm, or property damage.
Keeping everyone safe does not “ruin” special time.
How to “Sportscast” (Narrate Without Evaluating)
Not This
This
”Good job!"
"You put the red block on top."
"That’s beautiful!"
"You’re using lots of blue."
"Why don’t you try…?"
"You’re thinking about what to do next."
"What color is that?” (testing)
“You picked the green one."
"That’s so creative!"
"You made it go a different way.”
The goal: They feel seen, not judged. No evaluation — just witnessing.
If talking the whole time is exhausting, you can:
Say one sentence every now and then, not constantly
Use sounds or simple words (“vroom”, “splash”) instead of full sentences
The point is showing you’re noticing, not filling the silence.
Age Adaptations
2-Year-Olds (Twins)
6-Year-Old
Duration
10 minutes is plenty
15 minutes, can stretch to 20
What they might choose
Sensory play, stacking/knocking down, books, being chased
One twin at a time if possible; if not, sit between and follow both
One-on-one is ideal
Twin dynamics:
Ideally: 10-15 minutes with each twin separately (during the other’s nap or screen time)
If that’s impossible: Special time with both, but narrate to each (“Leo, you’re building. Mia, you’re drawing.”)
If one twin always dominates, gently hold space: “And what about you, [quieter twin]?”
Example for your 3-kid family:
Mon/Wed/Fri: 10 min with each twin (other twin on screen time / with other parent), 15 min with 6-year-old after younger bedtime
Tue/Thu: Choose one child who seems to need it most that day
This is plenty. Daily with all three is an ideal, not a requirement.
Non-Verbal Alternatives
If a child doesn’t want typical “play,” or if talking doesn’t work:
Sit on floor nearby (no agenda)
Mirror their expressions
Chase games / peekaboo
Be the bumbling incompetent one (they direct, you fail amusingly)
Parallel activity (you do what they’re doing, side by side)
Sensory activities (playdough, water, sand)
ND Adaptation
For kids who prefer parallel play:
That’s fine. You don’t have to interact directly
Sit nearby doing your own thing (same activity or different)
Every so often, briefly mark your attention (e.g., “I see you lining them up.”)
They still feel your presence and attention — this still counts as special time
For kids where pretend play develops differently:
Follow their actual interests (sorting, lining up, organizing)
Don’t push pretend if it’s not their thing
Special time can be “watching you do your thing while I witness”
For sensory needs:
Let them pick sensory-aware activities
If they want physical play (roughhousing, swinging), that counts
If they want to stim while you watch, that counts
If naming it makes them resist:
Some kids (especially some ND kids) dislike anything that feels “special” or structured. If calling it “special time” makes them say no, you can:
Keep it low-key and just join their play without naming it, or
Use their preferred term (“our Lego time”, “dragon time”, etc.)
The connection matters more than the label.
For you (ND parent):
Sportscasting can feel awkward — that’s okay, it gets easier
If 15 minutes feels long, start with 5-10
If open-ended following is hard, having them pick from 2-3 options is okay initially
If eye contact or high-energy play is hard, focus on being nearby, occasionally commenting, and staying predictable. That’s enough.
Ending Special Time
2-minute warning: “Two more minutes of special time, then we’ll…”
1-minute warning (optional for younger kids)
Transition phrase: “Special time is all done. That was fun playing with you.”
What comes next: Clear activity (snack, dinner, whatever)
Time: 15-20 minutes to set up Goal: Create a predictable decompress routine after school/childcare
The Task
Design a consistent after-school sequence:
Arrival cue — What happens the moment they walk in?
Snack — Same snack spot, same general time
Decompress activity — Low-demand activity for 15-30 minutes
Example Sequences
For 2-year-olds:
Shoes off at door
“Hello snack” at table (something predictable)
Free play (no demands) for 20 minutes before anything else
For 6-year-old:
Backpack hook + shoes off (can be visual checklist)
Same spot for snack
20-30 minutes of screen time OR free play OR quiet time (their choice)
THEN any homework/chores/demands
Why This Matters
Kids are often exhausted/depleted after holding it together all day
Demanding things immediately = meltdown trigger
Predictable decompress time = smoother evenings
The Key Points
Same sequence every day — predictability is the point
Low demand for first 15-30 minutes — no questions, no tasks
Snack matters — low blood sugar after school is real
Questions to NOT Ask Right After School
“How was your day?”
“What did you learn?”
“Did you have fun?”
Instead: “I’m glad you’re home.” Then: space.
Kids need to decompress before they can narrate their day. Ask questions at dinner or bedtime if at all.
ND Adaptation
If you added a transition cue (Step 2) and/or a visual schedule (Step 3), this after-school ritual is another layer of the same idea.
Visual schedule: Post the after-school sequence in pictures (shoes → snack → quiet time) so they know what to expect
Sensory-friendly space: Have a designated low-stimulation spot they can retreat to (dim lighting, soft seating, fidgets)
Noise management: Offer noise-reducing headphones if siblings or household noise is overwhelming after school
“No questions” rule: Some ND kids need a strict no-talking buffer. “I won’t ask you anything for 20 minutes” can prevent shutdown/meltdown
Sibling Twist
Special Time Reduces Sibling Conflict
When each child gets dedicated one-on-one time:
Less competing for your attention
Less “you always play with HIM” jealousy
Their connection tanks are full
Managing Jealousy About Special Time
“But I want you to play with ME!”
“Right now is [sibling]‘s special time. Yours is at [specific time].”
“I play with you during YOUR special time. This is [sibling]‘s turn.”
Keep times consistent so they know when theirs is coming
If They Fight During Special Time With Sibling
Special time for one child means the other is elsewhere (other parent, screen time, independent play)
If not possible, briefly address safety, then return to special time: “I’ll help you in a moment. Right now I’m with [sibling].”
Mastery Indicator
You’ve got this when:
You can follow their lead for most of a 15-minute session without directing, correcting, teaching, or asking leading questions.
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You catch yourself, come back to following, and the interruptions get shorter over time.
Troubleshooting
”They just want to watch screens during special time”
Options:
“Special time is for playing together. Screens are for other times.”
Or: Watch WITH them and ask them to explain/narrate (they’re leading, you’re following their show)
Or: Offer 2-3 non-screen choices: “Blocks, outside, or art?"
"I can’t do special time with all three kids every day”
Start with one kid (the one who needs it most)
Rotate: Each kid gets 2-3 sessions per week
5 minutes of real presence beats 0 minutes
Weekend longer sessions can supplement weekday short ones
”They want me to play pretend and I hate pretend play”
You don’t have to be good at it. Just do what they say.
Being bad at pretend is fine: “What should the dragon say? I don’t know what dragons say.”
Let them direct: “You’re the baby and I’m the mommy. You cry and I’ll help you.”
Your job is to follow, not to enjoy it (though you might)
“My 2-year-old doesn’t ‘play’ in a way I can follow”
Parallel presence counts
Sit on floor, do what they do
If they’re running around, run with them
If they’re dumping and filling, dump and fill
Narrate: “You’re putting all the blocks in. Now you’re taking them out."
"They get upset when special time ends”
This is normal and means they valued it
Consistent endings help (same warning, same transition phrase)
Firm but warm: “I know you want more. Special time is done. I’ll see you for tomorrow’s special time.”
Don’t extend it (this makes endings harder next time)
“They say ‘no’ to special time”
Keep the offer low-pressure: “I’ll be in the living room if you want to play together.”
Join them quietly in what they’re already doing instead of offering something new
For some kids, removing the label helps: just show up and follow, no announcement
It still counts as special time even if you never called it that
ND Adaptation
Screens and Special Time: For some ND kids, watching the same show repeatedly is deeply regulating. If you choose to make “watch and narrate with them” your special time, that’s okay — you’re connecting through the thing they love.
Further Reading
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
Playful Parenting (Lawrence Cohen), Chapters 1-2 — Why child-led play builds connection and reduces power struggles
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen (Faber & King), Chapter 8 — “Joining” children in their world
Hunt, Gather, Parent (Michaeleen Doucleff), Chapter 5 — How to be present without directing