Phase 5: Advanced Autonomy
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting
Phase: 5 — Advanced Autonomy (Extension)
Duration: 2 weeks minimum (this is a big one)
This step, you learn to solve recurring problems WITH your child — not FOR them or TO them.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. Pick one recurring problem and have a full Plan B conversation (see Track 1) instead of defaulting to consequences.
Remember the order:
- Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
- Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
- Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
- THEN: this step’s tool
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill | Full Plan B conversation (6-year-old) + micro-practice runs (twins) | 15-20 min conversation + 3-5 day trial |
| 2. Parent Practice | Identify one problem you’ve been “solving” with consequences | Reflection + one attempt |
| 3. Environment | Create problem-solving time in your weekly rhythm | 10 min weekly slot |
If you only have…
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one — Track 1 is the core skill.
If you like paper, print the Step 13 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Ross Greene’s research shows that kids do well when they can. When they can’t, there’s usually a lagging skill — not a motivation problem.
Traditional approaches:
Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) / Plan B:
Kids who experience collaborative problem-solving:
Step 12 introduced basic problem-solving (one small issue, brief brainstorm). This step goes deeper:
| Step 12 | Step 13 |
|---|---|
| One-time issue | Recurring problems |
| Brief brainstorm | Full 7-step Plan B |
| ”What should we try?" | "What’s getting in the way for you?” |
| Quick solution | Trial period + reassessment |
Once you internalize Plan B:
Step 12 gave you simple problem-solving: notice a problem, brainstorm, try something. That works for everyday friction.
Plan B is for recurring, stuck problems — the ones where you’ve tried consequences, incentives, and reminders, and nothing has worked. These usually involve a lagging skill (flexibility, frustration tolerance, problem-solving ability itself).
This is for when everyone is CALM — not during the problem.
| Step | What to Say | What You’re Doing |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Empathy | ”I’ve noticed that mornings are really hard. What’s going on for you?” | Gathering information, showing you want to understand |
| 2. Dig deeper | ”Tell me more about that…” / “What makes that hard?” | Uncovering the lagging skill or unsolved problem |
| 3. Reflect back | ”So you’re saying… [their concern]“ | Making sure they feel heard |
| 4. Define your concern | ”The thing is, when we’re late, I get stressed and work gets harder.” | Stating your side without blame |
| 5. Invitation | ”I wonder if there’s a way we could figure this out together so both of our concerns are addressed.” | Signaling collaboration, not imposition |
| 6. Brainstorm | ”What ideas do you have?” Write down ALL ideas — even silly ones. | Both of you contribute; don’t evaluate yet |
| 7. Evaluate & try | ”Which ones might actually work for both of us?” Commit to testing for 3-5 days. | Pick something realistic and doable |
Then: Reassess after the trial. “How did our plan work? Do we need to adjust?”
From “won’t” to “can’t yet”:
From “my solution” to “our solution”:
From “fix it now” to “solve it durably”:
Problem: Morning battles about getting dressed
Parent: “Hey, can we talk about mornings? I’ve noticed they’ve been really hard lately. What’s going on for you when it’s time to get dressed?”
Child: “I don’t know. I just don’t want to.”
Parent: “Hmm, tell me more. What happens when I say it’s time to get dressed?”
Child: “I want to keep playing. And my clothes are scratchy.”
Parent: “So there are two things — you want to keep playing, and the clothes don’t feel good. Is that right?”
Child: “Yeah.”
Parent: “That makes sense. Here’s my concern: when we’re late, I feel stressed and sometimes I get grumpy, and then we both start the day upset. I wonder if we can figure out something that works for both of us?”
Child: “I could wear pajamas to school.”
Parent: (writing it down) “Okay, that’s one idea. What else?”
Child: “Um… you could pick out softer clothes?”
Parent: “Good one. I have an idea too — what if we picked out clothes the night before, so there’s no deciding in the morning?”
Child: “Yeah! And then I get 5 more minutes of play.”
Parent: “Let’s look at these. Pajamas to school probably won’t work for your teacher. But the soft clothes and picking them out at night — and maybe a timer for 5 minutes of play — those might work. Which should we try?”
Child: “Pick clothes at night and the timer.”
Parent: “Okay, let’s try that for the next 4 mornings and see how it goes.”
For 6-year-old:
| Situation | Plan B Focus |
|---|---|
| Morning battles | What makes mornings hard? What would help? |
| Screen time ending | What happens in your brain when I say “time’s up”? |
| Homework avoidance | What’s the hardest part about homework? |
| Sibling conflicts | When do you feel like you need to hit/grab? |
Tips:
For 2-year-olds (twins):
They’re too young for Plan B conversations. Their prefrontal cortex can’t do this kind of abstract problem-solving yet.
Instead, continue from Step 12:
| Skill-Building Approach | Example |
|---|---|
| Micro-choices | ”Red cup or blue cup?” |
| Practice runs | ”Let’s practice: when I say ‘shoes’, you say ‘okay’ and walk to your shoes!” |
| Environmental setup | Remove triggers, add supports, simplify choices |
| Pattern observation | YOU figure out the lagging skill and scaffold for it |
When twins are 4-5, you can start very simple Plan B conversations. For now, you’re the one doing the problem-solving on their behalf.
Some ND kids need the problem named explicitly:
Visual supports for brainstorming:
Extended timelines:
PDA considerations:
Processing time:
Time: Reflection + one attempt
Goal: Identify where you’ve been defaulting to consequences and try Plan B instead
Identify a recurring problem where your current approach isn’t working:
Ask yourself the key question:
“What skill is my child lacking that would make this easier?”
Common lagging skills:
Schedule a Plan B conversation:
Notice your pull toward Plan A:
You’ll feel the pull toward Plan A. That’s normal. The practice is noticing it and choosing differently.
You’re retraining your own nervous system. When problems arise, most of us default to control (make them comply) or capitulation (give up).
Plan B is a third path: “We’re going to solve this together, and I trust that you have important information I don’t have.”
This is hard. You might slip into lecture mode (“But the REASON we need to leave on time is…”). You might push your preferred solution. That’s data, not failure.
If you have ADHD:
If you’re prone to flooding:
If solutions feel urgent to you:
Time: 10 minutes once per week
Goal: Create a predictable slot for addressing problems when you’re not in crisis
Pick a weekly time that’s:
Good options:
This is different from the weekly check-in (Step 12). That was about general highs/lows. This is specifically for recurring problems.
Keep it SHORT (10 minutes max) and LOW-KEY:
| 6-Year-Old | 2-Year-Old Twins |
|---|---|
| Can identify problems and brainstorm | Can be present but won’t participate meaningfully |
| May have her own agenda for what to discuss | Might distract from conversation |
| Can understand “trying something for a week” | Need you to observe and solve on their behalf |
For the twins: They can sit with you during problem-solving time, but the real work is between you and your 6-year-old (or between co-parents).
Some families prefer informal problem-solving (in the car, at bedtime, on walks) over scheduled time. That’s fine.
The point isn’t the structure — it’s that problems get addressed proactively, not just reactively.
Create a “problems we’re working on” board:
Plan B works for sibling problems too — but with a key difference:
Individual Plan B first: Talk to each child separately about their perspective before bringing them together.
Example: Recurring conflict over shared toys
With 6-year-old alone:
“I’ve noticed you and [twin] fight over the LEGO a lot. What’s hard about sharing it?”
With twins (observational):
Watch for patterns. What triggers the conflict? What do they actually want?
Then, if 6-year-old is ready:
“You want uninterrupted building time. [Twin] wants to play with you. I want the fighting to stop. What might work?”
Solutions might include:
For twins-with-twins conflicts: You’re still solving on their behalf. Observe patterns, make environmental changes, and scaffold their emerging skills.
You’ve got this when:
You can complete a Plan B conversation without slipping into “my solution” mode — staying genuinely curious about their perspective and open to ideas you didn’t expect.
Not every time. Not with every problem. But when a problem recurs, your first instinct shifts from “How do I make them stop?” to “What’s getting in the way, and how can we solve this together?”
If Plan B conversations keep turning into lectures or negotiations where you’re pushing your answer, stay on Step 13.
“I don’t know” often means:
Try:
Plan B isn’t magic. It might take:
Also check:
This is the hardest part. You have more experience and ideas feel obvious to you.
Practice:
You’re right that Plan B takes time upfront. But so does:
Think of Plan B as an investment. One 20-minute conversation might prevent hundreds of 2-minute battles.
If time is genuinely scarce:
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge