Phase 6: Parent Sustainability
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting
Phase: 6 — Parent Sustainability
Duration: 2 weeks (this is a practice step, not a one-time skill)
This step, you learn the difference between a request and a demand — and start making true requests.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. Just ask yourself: “If they said no, would I punish, guilt-trip, or withdraw?” If yes, it was a demand.
Remember the order:
- Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
- Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
- Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
- THEN: this step’s tool
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill | Model requests (not demands) | Throughout day |
| 2. Parent Practice | Replace one demand with a true request | Once daily |
| 3. Environment | Create a “request board” visual | 15-20 min once |
If you only have…
If you are totally fried: Only do the 10-second check. Just notice the difference between your requests and demands. That alone is a win for this step.
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 2 is the most transformative) and call it a win.
If you like paper, print the Step 15 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Demands trigger the downstairs brain. When a child perceives a threat (and “do this or else” IS a threat), their fight/flight/freeze response activates. Their upstairs brain — the part that can cooperate, think flexibly, and problem-solve — goes offline.
Commands trigger resistance. True requests invite cooperation.
“A request becomes a demand when the listener believes they will be punished or blamed for not complying.”
This isn’t about being permissive. You still have boundaries (Step 10). But the way you ask determines whether you get cooperation or resistance.
Once you internalize the request/demand distinction:
“The objective of NVC is not to change people and their behavior in order to get our way; it is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone’s needs.”
Connection is more important than compliance. When you make true requests, you’re prioritizing the relationship.
Buddhist Lens (Optional): A true request is non-attached — you want a yes AND you’re okay with a no. In Buddhist terms, you’re releasing grasping at a particular outcome and staying with your values instead. You commit to the effort (showing up, connecting, asking skillfully) while letting go of control over how they respond. This is wise effort, not passivity. See Buddhist Lens for more.
This is primarily parent modeling. Your children learn to make requests by hearing you make them. At 2, they’re absorbing your tone and patterns. At 6, they can start understanding the concept explicitly.
A true request has four qualities:
How do you react when they say no?
| Your Reaction to “No” | What It Was |
|---|---|
| You punish, withdraw, or guilt-trip | It was a demand |
| You’re curious about their needs, negotiate | It was a request |
| Demand (Triggers Resistance) | Request (Invites Cooperation) |
|---|---|
| “Clean up NOW." | "Would you be willing to put the blocks away before dinner?" |
| "Say sorry!" | "I’d like you to check if she’s okay. Would you do that?" |
| "Stop crying." | "I hear you’re upset. Can I sit with you?" |
| "Get your shoes on!" | "We’re leaving in two minutes. Can you get your shoes?" |
| "Eat your vegetables." | "Would you try one bite of the broccoli?" |
| "Be quiet!" | "I need quiet right now. Can you use a whisper voice?" |
| "Share with your sister!" | "Would you be willing to let her have a turn when you’re done?” |
| Age | What They Can Learn | How to Model |
|---|---|---|
| 2yo Twins | Absorbing tone and pattern; learning “Would you like to…?” | Use request language; they’ll hear it hundreds of times before they use it |
| 6yo | Can understand the concept explicitly | ”I’m asking, not telling. You can say no, and we’ll figure something out.” |
For your 6-year-old specifically:
After you make a request, you can name it:
When she demands something, coach gently:
This is a natural opportunity:
For PDA profiles:
For sensory/processing differences:
For your 6-year-old:
Time: 1-2 minutes, once per day
Goal: Replace ONE daily demand with a true request
Don’t start with the hardest moments. Start with requests where you really ARE okay with “no”:
Good starting points:
Pick one recurring demand from your day. Transform it:
| Typical Demand | Transform To |
|---|---|
| Morning: “Get dressed!" | "Would you be willing to get dressed before breakfast, or after?” |
| Mealtime: “Eat your food." | "Can you try two bites?” |
| Transition: “Put that down, we’re leaving!" | "We’re leaving in one minute. Can you find a stopping place?” |
| Cleanup: “Clean up now." | "Would you be willing to put the crayons away?” |
| Bedtime: “Go brush your teeth." | "It’s teeth time. Want me to come with you or will you go yourself?” |
This is where it gets real. If they say no:
DON’T:
DO:
Sometimes you’ll hear “no” and realize your request was actually a demand in disguise. That’s information. Learn from it.
Not everything can be optional. Here’s the distinction:
| Situation | Approach |
|---|---|
| Safety issue | This is a boundary, not a request. “I won’t let you run into the street.” (Step 10) |
| Non-negotiable routine | Give limited choice: “It’s bath time. Would you like bubbles or no bubbles?” |
| Strongly preferred | Be honest: “I really want you to. Would you be willing to, even though you don’t want to?” |
| Actually flexible | Make it a true request. Accept “no.” |
The key is honesty. If it’s not actually flexible, don’t pretend it is. But examine how many of your “non-negotiables” are actually preferences.
At night, briefly review:
Time: 15-20 minutes once this step
Goal: Create a visual reminder of request language
Create a simple visual that reminds everyone (including you) what requests sound like.
Option A: “How We Ask” Poster
Draw or print a simple poster:
HOW WE ASK IN THIS FAMILY
"Would you be willing to...?"
"Can you...?"
"I'd like you to... Would you do that?"
"Would you help me with...?"
IT'S OKAY TO SAY NO (and then we'll figure it out together)Post it where you’ll see it during high-friction moments (kitchen, hallway, playroom).
Option B: Request Jar
Write common requests on slips of paper:
When you need to ask for something, pull a slip for the language pattern.
Option C: Simple Sticky Notes
Put sticky notes in friction spots with just:
Involve her in creating the visual:
Visual cues interrupt automatic patterns. When you see “Would you be willing…?” you’re more likely to use request language instead of defaulting to demands.
This step dramatically changes sibling dynamics because demands escalate conflict.
She will naturally command them:
Coach request language:
Don’t expect perfection. She’s 6. Model it, remind her, celebrate when she tries.
At 2, they can’t make formal requests yet. But they’re learning from watching you.
What you can do:
This is a learning opportunity:
You’ve got this when:
You can tell the difference between your requests and your demands. You catch yourself before making a demand at least half the time, and you make more requests than demands on most days.
Not perfect. Not every time. Just… you’re aware of the pattern, and you’re shifting.
Secondary indicators:
If this still feels foreign after two weeks, stay on Step 15. This is a deep rewiring.
Not everything needs to be a request. Boundaries and safety rules are not requests (Step 10). Routines can have limited choice (“bath time is now — bubbles or no bubbles?”).
The goal isn’t to eliminate all expectations. It’s to stop using threats and commands for things that could be requests.
Examine your “must-haves.” How many are actually preferences?
This is normal. You’ll catch yourself reacting badly to “no” and realize: “Oh, that wasn’t actually a request.”
The learning is in the noticing. Over time, you’ll catch yourself earlier — before you speak, not after.
Keep practicing. This takes months, not days.
At 2, they’re not reliably responding to ANYTHING. This is normal.
Your job isn’t to get compliance. Your job is to model request language so they absorb the pattern. You’re planting seeds.
Use requests AND limited choice: “Would you like to put on the red shoes or the blue shoes?"
If she starts saying no more, that might mean:
Respond with:
The difference between manipulation and NVC is intention.
Manipulation: Using request language to get compliance, but still punishing refusal True request: Genuinely prioritizing connection over compliance
Check your intention. Are you okay if they say no? If not, either make it a boundary (Step 10) or examine why compliance matters so much.
You can only control yourself. Model request language consistently.
If they’re curious: share what you’re learning. If they’re not: keep practicing anyway. Your children will learn from both of you, and your modeling still matters.
For PDA, the demand-avoidance is neurological, not behavioral. Requests help, but you may need more:
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge