Naming & Validating Feelings

Phase 2: Connect & Name Feelings

📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge

Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting

Phase: 2 — Connect & Name Feelings
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)

The One Thing

This step, you acknowledge feelings before anything else. Name them. Validate them. Don’t fix yet.

That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. When a child is upset, just say what you see: “You’re really upset.”

You’ve already been practicing following their lead and just noticing (Steps 3-4). Now we add one simple layer: putting words to feelings before we try to fix anything.

This Step Has 3 Tracks

If you only have…

• 10 seconds: Name one feeling out loud (“You’re disappointed”)
• 1-2 minutes: Ask yourself “What am I feeling?” once today
• 20-30 minutes once this step: Plan one family dinner with the ritual

You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 1 is the core skill) and call it a win.

If you like paper, print the Step 5 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.

Why This Matters

The Science (30-second version)

When children hear their feelings named accurately, something powerful happens:

• The brain’s alarm system (amygdala) calms down
• They feel understood, which builds connection
• The feeling becomes less scary — it has a word now
• They can start to move through it instead of being stuck in it

Feelings that are named can be tamed. Feelings that are denied get bigger.

Research shows that “name it to tame it” literally reduces emotional intensity in brain scans. But here’s the catch: if you rush to fix or minimize (“You’re fine!” “Don’t be sad!”), you lose the calming effect.

What This Changes

Once you internalize “acknowledge first, fix later,” you stop:

• Rushing to solve problems before the child feels heard
• Accidentally dismissing feelings (“It’s not a big deal”)
• Getting frustrated when logic doesn’t calm them down

You start:

• Connecting before correcting
• Letting feelings exist without needing to fix them
• Building emotional vocabulary naturally

Track 1 – Child Skill: Naming and Validating Feelings

The Sequence

1. Name the feeling (“You’re frustrated”)
2. Validate it (“Of course you’re upset — you really wanted that”)
3. Don’t fix yet — just let the feeling be heard
4. Wait for the body to soften — then you can problem-solve if needed

Signs of softening: shoulders unclench, breathing slows, they lean toward you, crying gets quieter, or they start talking instead of yelling.

If you can’t find any words at all, just: “Mmm. Yeah.” and staying nearby is enough. Presence counts more than perfect sentences.

Buddhist Lens (Optional): Feelings are like weather — they arise, peak, and pass. In Buddhism this is called impermanence (anicca). When you name a feeling without fixing it, you’re teaching that storms pass. “The life span of an emotion is three to thirty minutes — if we let it be. It can last three days if we go to work fighting it.” (Brave Parenting) See Buddhist Lens for more.

Age-Specific Scripts

The Faber “Wishes” Script

When they can’t have something, give them their wish in fantasy:

• “You wish you could stay at the park forever!”
• “You wish you could have cookies for every meal!”
• “You wish your brother would disappear sometimes!”

This validates the feeling without giving in. Kids feel deeply understood, and often that’s enough.

What NOT to Say

ND Adaptation

If you have alexithymia (difficulty identifying emotions):

This is very common in ND brains. Nothing is wrong with you if emotions feel “fuzzy” or you only notice them in hindsight.

• Focus on body states: “Your body looks tense” / “Your face is scrunched up” / “You’re stomping and your voice is loud”
• Use a tiny menu: “upset,” “uncomfortable,” or “not okay”
• If all else fails: “Something’s wrong. I’m here.”

You don’t have to get it right. “You’re upset” or “Something’s wrong” is enough — your child can correct you.

If words freeze: Describe what you see — body, voice, or behavior. That counts as naming.

After naming the feeling:

• Give extra wait time (10-30 seconds) — don’t rush to the next step
• Some people need silence after being seen, not more words
• Watch for the body shift that signals they feel heard

If words feel fake or scripty:

• Match your tone to theirs (intense feelings get intense acknowledgment)
• Use your own words, not a formula — authenticity matters
• A simple “Yeah… that’s hard” can be enough

Track 2 – Parent Mini-Practice: Self-Empathy When Triggered

Time: 1-2 minutes when you notice you’re upset
Setup: No setup — this is in-the-moment

The Practice

When you feel triggered (frustrated, overwhelmed, angry, shut down):

1. Pause — notice you’re activated
2. Ask: “What am I feeling right now?” (Name it for yourself)
3. Ask: “What do I need?” (Even if you can’t get it right now)
4. Give yourself 10 seconds of compassion — hand on heart if it helps

Why This Specific Practice

• You can’t give emotional validation to kids if you’re empty
• Self-empathy builds the same skill you’re teaching them
• Knowing your needs helps you meet them (eventually)

Examples

ND Adaptation

If identifying feelings is hard:

• Use body sensations: “tight chest,” “hot face,” “want to run away”
• Use simple categories: “bad,” “too much,” “stuck”
• If “What do I need?” feels too vague, pick from a tiny menu: space, help, quiet, comfort, or information

If you’re in shutdown/freeze:

• Skip the questions — just notice “I’m in shutdown”
• Body movement can help more than reflection: walk to another room, stretch your arms overhead, press your hands together hard, or splash water on your face
• Give yourself permission to not be okay right now

This whole thing can take under 30 seconds — even just doing one of these steps is a win.

Track 3 – Environment Mini-Project: Family Dinner Ritual

Time: 20-30 minutes to set up, then ongoing
Goal: Create one consistent family connection point

The Task

1. Choose 3-4 dinners per week that will be “family dinner” (not every night — that’s too much pressure)

2. Involve kids in prep — even 2-year-olds can:

   • Wash vegetables
   • Carry unbreakable items to table
   • Put napkins out
   • Stir things

3. Create a simple start ritual:

   • Light a candle together
   • A moment of silence (even 5 seconds)
   • One word for how you’re feeling
   • Or simply: “We’re all here together”

4. Keep it short — 15-20 minutes at the table is plenty with young kids

Why This Matters

• Predictable connection time builds security
• Ritual creates a “transition marker” — this is family time now
• Candle/silence helps everyone’s nervous system settle
• It’s not about perfect manners — it’s about being together

If This Feels Overwhelming

Start smaller:

• One dinner per week
• Skip the candle — just say “We’re all here”
• Let go of behavior expectations during the meal (focus on connection, not manners)

Twin Dynamics

• Give each twin a job so no one feels left out
• If they compete for the same job, rotate or have two versions (two napkin stacks)
• Expect chaos at first — the ritual will help over time

ND Adaptation

• Sensory-friendly counts: dim lights, quieter background (no TV if overstimulating, or soft show/music if it helps regulate)
• Candle can be replaced: use a small lamp, fairy lights, or a favorite object if flame, smell, or safety is an issue
• Movement is okay: kids can stand, sit on a wobble cushion, or take short laps and still be “at” family dinner
• Eating is optional for some kids: focus on “we’re together” more than “everyone eats the same thing”
• If “one word for how you’re feeling” is hard, offer options: thumbs up/side/down, pointing to a feelings picture, or just “good / okay / not good”

Sibling Twist

When siblings are in conflict:

Name BOTH kids’ feelings before solving anything.

Scripts:

• “You’re frustrated — you wanted that toy. And YOU’RE frustrated too — you were using it.”
• “She’s upset. He’s upset. Everyone’s having a hard time right now.”

Don’t rush to judge who was right or wrong. Just let both kids feel seen first. Often that’s 50% of the solution.

After feelings are named:

• “What can we do about this?”
• Or just wait — sometimes they solve it once they feel heard

Mastery Indicator

You’ve got this when:

You acknowledge feelings before offering solutions at least sometimes — more often than you used to.

Not every time. Just… it’s becoming your first instinct. You catch yourself about to fix, and you pause to validate first.

If that’s not happening after a week, stay on Step 5. The fix-it urge is strong — it takes practice.

Troubleshooting

”I name the feeling and they get MORE upset”

This is normal at first. A few possibilities:

• You got the feeling wrong — try a different word or just “You’re upset”
• They’re not ready to be seen — back off, stay nearby, try again in a minute
• It’s working — sometimes being seen unlocks more tears. That’s okay. Stay with them.

If they correct you (“I’m NOT sad!”), just accept it: “Okay, not sad. Something else."

"I don’t know what they’re feeling”

You don’t have to be right. Try:

• “Something’s wrong”
• “You’re having a hard time”
• “Your body looks upset”

Being approximately right is enough. They’ll correct you if needed.

”They say ‘I’m fine’ but they’re clearly not”

Don’t argue. Try:

• “Okay. I’m here if you want to talk.”
• For older kids: “Your body doesn’t look fine, but I’ll wait.”
• For 2-year-olds: They won’t say “I’m fine” — just name what you see.

”I keep jumping to solutions”

Put a physical pause in:

• Before speaking, take one breath
• Count to 3 silently after naming the feeling
• Put your hand on your heart (buys you time)

The fix-it instinct is strong. You’re rewiring years of habit.

”They get annoyed when I name their feelings”

Some kids (especially ND kids) experience emotion words as too intense, too exposing, or just annoying.

Try:

• Go more general: “This is a hard moment” instead of “You’re angry”
• Use fewer words: say it once, then be quiet and stay nearby
• Switch to nonverbal: sit next to them, offer a drink, pass them a fidget, or just say, “I’m here”
• Name the situation instead of the feeling: “The game crashed again. Ugh.”

Further Reading

Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen (Faber & Mazlish), Chapter 1 — The four skills for acknowledging feelings (core chapter for this step)
• The Whole-Brain Child (Siegel & Bryson), Chapter 2 — “Name it to tame it”: the neuroscience behind why naming feelings works
• Nonviolent Communication (Rosenberg), Chapter 4 — Feelings vocabulary and distinguishing feelings from thoughts

📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge