Phase: 2 — Connect & Name Feelings Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
The One Thing
This step, you stay with them during hard feelings. You co-regulate. Time-in, not time-out.
Being present can mean sitting nearby or waiting just outside the door if they need space — the key is: you’re available and not sending them away as a punishment.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. When they’re melting down, just be present. “I’m right here with you.”
This Step Has 3 Tracks
Track
What
Time
1. Child Skill
Emotion coaching sequence + calm-down strategies
During meltdowns
2. Parent Practice
Yell-Less Plan
10 min setup, ongoing
3. Environment
Create calm-down corner or kit
30 min setup
If you only have…
10 seconds: Stay present during one meltdown instead of walking away
1-2 minutes: Choose your Yell-Less mantra
30 minutes once this step: Set up a simple calm-down corner
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 1 is the core skill) and call it a win.
If you like paper, print the Step 6 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Why This Matters
The Science (30-second version)
Children don’t learn to regulate alone — they learn through co-regulation with a calm adult.
Quick definitions:
Co-regulation: Your relatively calm body and presence help their nervous system calm down. You’re with them in the storm.
Self-regulation: They use skills to calm down more on their own (sometimes with you nearby but not involved).
Young kids and kids who are very upset usually need co-regulation first. Over time, they learn self-regulation from what you model.
When you stay present during their distress:
Your calm nervous system helps calm theirs
They learn “big feelings don’t destroy connection”
Over time, they internalize the strategies you model
The relationship gets stronger, not weaker
Time-out sends the message: “Your feelings are too much for me.” Time-in sends the message: “I can handle you at your worst.”
What This Changes
Once you internalize “co-regulate first, teach later,” you stop:
Sending kids away when they need you most
Feeling like you need to “do something” to fix the meltdown
Treating big emotions as problems to eliminate
You start:
Being a calm presence (even if internal chaos)
Offering strategies instead of demands
Seeing meltdowns as connection opportunities
Track 1 – Child Skill: Emotion Coaching Sequence
The Full Sequence
Name the feeling (Step 5 skill)
Validate (“Of course you’re upset”)
Set a limit if needed (“And hitting isn’t okay”)
Offer a strategy (“Would you like to squeeze my hands?”)
You’re connecting AND teaching, in that order. You’re basically taking your Step 5 skill (name + validate) and adding a gentle limit and one strategy.
On survival mode days (ND-friendly version):
Just do Step 1 + Step 2: name the feeling and validate it
You can skip limits and strategies in the moment if that’s too much
That still counts as emotion coaching.
Age-Specific Calm-Down Strategies
For 2-Year-Olds (Twins):
Strategy
How It Looks
Hug/squeeze
”Want a squeeze?” — hold them tight
Rock together
Sit with them on your lap, rock slowly
Sing
Simple, repetitive song in calm voice
Lovey/comfort object
”Here’s your bunny”
Movement
Pick up and sway, walk together, bounce
Sensory
Soft blanket, textured toy, cold water on hands
For 6-Year-Old:
Strategy
How It Looks
Breathing together
”Let’s take three breaths. In… out…” (you lead)
Calm-down corner
”Want to go to your calm-down corner?”
Squeeze/push
”Push against my hands really hard” (wall push also works)
Draw the feeling
”Want to draw how mad you are?”
Stomp it out
”Let’s stomp our feet really hard”
Count together
Slow counting to 10, or backwards from 5
The Co-Regulation Script (Time-In)
When they’re melting down:
“You’re having such a hard time. I’m going to sit with you.”
Then:
Sit nearby (not in their face)
Speak slowly and quietly
Wait. Don’t rush them through it.
Stay regulated yourself (this is the hard part)
If They Need Space
Some kids (especially ND kids) regulate better alone. Watch for signs:
They push you away
They say “Go away!” or “Leave me alone!”
Your presence seems to escalate them
Space script:
“I’m going to be right outside the door. You’re safe. I’ll come back in a minute.”
Then actually check back. The message is “space is okay, I’m not abandoning you.”
This is them practicing self-regulation with backup — you’re nearby and available, but giving their nervous system the kind of space it prefers.
Buddhist Lens (Optional): Co-regulation is being with suffering, not fixing it. Brave Parenting uses the river metaphor: when we dam emotions by fixing, shushing, or distracting, they back up. When we let the river run — staying present while the storm passes — emotions move through naturally. This isn’t passive; it’s the hardest kind of bravery. See Buddhist Lens for more.
ND twist: Some kids co-regulate better with more space and fewer words; “being with the river” can mean sitting outside the door, not right next to them.
When to Set a Limit
Limits come AFTER naming and validating, not before:
“You’re so frustrated (name). Of course — you wanted that (validate). AND hitting hurts (limit). You can hit this pillow instead (redirect).”
Keep limits short and calm. This isn’t a lecture moment.
ND Adaptation
If your child regulates better with space:
This is self-regulation, not rejection
Don’t force closeness — it can dysregulate further
Stay nearby but not touching/staring
Offer: “Want me here or do you need space?”
Proprioceptive input often works better than grounding:
Heavy pushing against wall/hands
Tight squeezes (if they like pressure)
Jumping, stomping, carrying something heavy
Chewing on something chewy
Eye contact may dysregulate:
Sit side by side, not face to face
Look at something together instead of at each other
Don’t require eye contact to show they’re “listening”
If they can’t hear words when flooded:
Use fewer words, simpler words
Hum or sing instead
Just be present — your calm body communicates
Track 2 – Parent Mini-Practice: Yell-Less Plan
Time: 10 minutes to set up, then ongoing Goal: Help you self-regulate so you can co-regulate them, and reduce yelling by having a plan BEFORE you’re triggered.
This is your self-regulation plan — what you do with your nervous system so you can show up as “okay-enough” while they fall apart.
The Three Parts
Choose your mantra (what you’ll say silently to yourself)
Put reminders in trigger locations (visual cues)
Have an escape route (what you do instead of yelling)
Step 1: Choose Your Mantra
Pick one that resonates (or write your own):
“This is not an emergency.”
“They’re not giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time.”
“I can handle this.”
“What do they need right now?”
“Is this the parent I want to be?”
“Pause.”
Step 2: Put Reminders in Trigger Locations
Where do you yell most? Put a visual cue there:
Sticky note on kitchen cabinet
Small stone in your pocket
Phone wallpaper
Word written on your wrist
The cue just says: PAUSE or your mantra
Step 3: Have an Escape Route
When you feel the yell rising:
Walk to another room (if kids are safe) — even 30 seconds helps
Go to the sink and splash cold water on your face (resets nervous system)
Put your hands on the counter and take 5 breaths
Step outside for 60 seconds (tell kids: “I need to calm my brain. I’ll be right back.”)
If you can’t leave (twins climbing, safety worries):
Turn your body slightly away, drop your shoulders, and exhale slowly 3 times
Put one hand on your chest or the counter and feel your feet on the floor
Say your mantra silently once
Even a 5-second micro-pause is self-regulation.
ND Adaptation
If you go from 0 to yelling with no warning:
Your cues need to be body-based (phone vibration reminder, texture in pocket)
Focus on escape route more than prevention
Forgive fast and repair after
If shutdown/freeze is your pattern:
Your “escape” might be: close eyes, ground feet, wait for brain to come back
A quick cold water splash can help reset freeze
If verbal mantras feel fake:
Use a physical cue: squeeze your own hand, press feet into floor
Or just one word: “Pause” / “Wait” / “Breathe”
If noise is your main trigger (common for ND parents):
It’s okay to use earplugs or noise-reducing headphones during meltdowns if it keeps you out of rage-zone
Lowering sound input is a valid self-regulation strategy
Track 3 – Environment Mini-Project: Calm-Down Corner or Kit
Time: 30 minutes to set up Goal: Create a designated space or kit for calming down
Option A: Calm-Down Corner
Find a small space that can be “the calm-down corner”:
Corner of bedroom with cushions
Small tent or canopy
Closet with door removed or left open
Space behind a couch
Stock it with:
Soft things (blanket, stuffed animal)
Fidgets (stress ball, textured toys)
Headphones (noise reduction or music)
A few calming books
Maybe: glitter jar, breathing cards, photos of loved ones
Option B: Calm-Down Kit (Portable)
A box or bag that can go anywhere:
Small blanket
Comfort item
2-3 fidgets
Headphones
Simple calming visuals (breathing card)
CRITICAL: Introduce When Calm
Don’t introduce this space during a meltdown.
When everyone’s calm:
Show them the space/kit
Let them explore it
Practice going there together when calm
Say: “This is where we can go when big feelings come”
The space should feel like a refuge, not a punishment.
Age Adaptations
For 2-Year-Olds (Twins):
They can’t use this independently yet
YOU bring them to the space and stay with them
Keep it very simple: soft thing, one comfort object
It’s about building the habit of “we go here to calm down together”
For 6-Year-Old:
Can start to use independently (with practice)
Let them help choose what goes in it
Can have a “calm-down menu” — simple pictures of strategies to try (great for ND kids who access visuals faster than words)
Check in: “Would you like to go to your calm-down corner, or would you like me to stay with you?”