Phase 3: Cooperation Without Coercion
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
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Phase: 3 — Cooperation Without Coercion
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
This step, you replace “good job!” with describing what you actually see.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. When you feel the urge to praise, describe instead: “You did it. You got your shoes on.”
Everything from Step 8 (choices and playful invitations) stays in play — this step you add how you talk about what they do.
In this curriculum, we’re slowly phasing out praise/rewards as the main way to motivate kids. This step is your first big swap around praise and rewards: information instead of evaluation.
Remember the order:
- Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
- Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
- Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
- THEN: this step’s tool
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill | Replace evaluations with descriptions | Throughout day |
| 2. Parent Practice | Replace one “good job” per day with a description | 1-2 min |
| 3. Environment | Build consistent bedtime routine with stories | 20-30 min once |
If you only have…
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 2 is the smallest shift) and call it a win.
If you like paper, print the Step 9 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
“Good job!” feels supportive, but it has hidden costs:
Descriptions work differently:
This isn’t about being cold or withholding. You can still be warm, enthusiastic, and proud. You’re just adding information to your warmth. Think of it as warmth + information, instead of warmth + judgment.
You don’t have to erase “good job” from your vocabulary. You’re just building a new default: describing first, praising less.
Once you internalize “describe, don’t evaluate,” you stop:
You start:
You’ve already practiced this in Step 4 as “sportscasting” during special time. This step you’ll start using the same describing-instead-of-praising pattern all day, not just in play.
Even just Step 1 is a win. If you only remember “say what they did,” that’s enough for this step.
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| ”Good sharing!" | "You gave your sister the toy. She smiled so big." |
| "Good job cleaning!" | "You put all the cars in the bin. Now we can find them tomorrow." |
| "Good drawing!" | "You used a lot of blue. I see you drew circles here." |
| "Good listening!" | "You stopped when I asked. That made getting ready faster." |
| "Good eating!" | "You tried the broccoli. Your body got some green stuff." |
| "You’re so smart!" | "You figured out how that fits together. You kept trying.” |
For food, ultra-neutral options work well:
You can still be warm and enthusiastic. This isn’t robotic.
“You DID it! You got your shoes on all by yourself!” (describing with delight)
vs.
“Good job with shoes!” (evaluating)
Both are warm. One gives information.
For 2-year-olds (twins):
| Situation | Evaluative (avoid) | Descriptive (try) |
|---|---|---|
| They share | ”Good sharing!" | "You gave it! She has it now.” |
| They use potty | ”Good job!" | "You did it! Pee in the potty!” |
| They put on shoes | ”Good job!" | "Shoes on! You did it!” |
| They stack blocks | ”Good tower!" | "You put that one on top. It’s so tall!” |
For 6-year-old:
| Situation | Evaluative (avoid) | Descriptive (try) |
|---|---|---|
| She shares with siblings | ”Good sharing!" | "You let Lila have a turn. She got to play too.” |
| She finishes hard task | ”Good job!" | "You stuck with it even when it was tricky. That’s persistence.” |
| She helps clean up | ”Such a good helper!" | "You put the books away. Now we can find them.” |
| She tries new food | ”Good eating!" | "You tried something new. Your taste buds got new information.” |
Twin dynamics:
Language development varies — if your child’s receptive language is still developing, keep descriptions very short. “You did it!” with a smile is enough.
Echolalia may be communication — if they repeat “You gave your sister the toy!” that’s not misbehavior, it’s often processing or connecting. You can just nod or repeat back calmly.
Accept unconventional responses — they don’t have to say “thank you” or look pleased. They heard you.
If verbal praise is overwhelming — some kids don’t want attention called to their actions at all. Try:
Silent noticing counts too. If words feel like too much (for you or them), just soft eye contact or a nod is okay.
If one twin does nothing and just watches, you can still notice: “You’re watching. You’re checking it out.”
Time: 1-2 minutes awareness throughout day
Goal: Catch yourself ONE time daily before the automatic “good job!” and try a description instead
This is habit-replacement. “Good job” is deeply automatic for most of us. You’re not eliminating it — just adding a new option.
One replacement per day is enough. You’ll naturally do more as it gets easier.
It can be as short as: “You did it.” or “You put it there.”
If “good job” slips out first, you can still add a description after. That still builds the habit.
You don’t have to sound excited. Flat but accurate is still connection.
That’s normal. The first few times feel weird. The words might not come easily.
Keep going. By the end of the step, you’ll have a few phrases that feel natural.
If this feels performative or scripted:
If tracking “one per day” feels like pressure:
Time: 20-30 minutes once this step
Goal: Create a predictable, low-demand bedtime sequence that includes stories
Bedtime is often the hardest transition. Making it predictable reduces resistance.
For ND kids (and ND parents), bedtime can be extra hard because of sensory stuff (light, noise, scratchy pajamas) and transition fatigue. Part of this routine can be quietly adjusting those: softer lighting, comfy clothes, one predictable story.
Map your current bedtime — What happens? In what order? Where do meltdowns occur?
Choose a consistent sequence — Same steps, same order, every night. Example:
Add the “grit sandwich” (optional and skip it if it ramps them up):
Some kids love this; others get more wired. If it seems to agitate her, drop the “hard thing” part or skip the sandwich entirely.
Reduce decisions — Pick jammies, books, etc. in advance. Fewer decisions at bedtime = fewer battles.
If holding all the steps in your head is hard, write the routine down or draw little icons and tape it near the bed. You can just point to the next step.
And if even one story feels impossible this step, skip this track. Track 2 (one description a day) is enough.
Start smaller:
Descriptive noticing works for sibling dynamics too:
When they share or cooperate:
When one helps the other:
Avoid comparative descriptions:
Describing the dynamic:
You’ve got this when:
Descriptions come more naturally than evaluations. You pause before praising — at least sometimes.
You don’t have to eliminate “good job” entirely. You just have another option, and you use it. That’s okay-enough.
If “good job” still pops out every time and you’re not pausing at all, stay on Step 9.
Add warmth to your tone. Descriptions can be enthusiastic.
“Wow! You climbed all the way up! Look at you up there!” (describing with delight)
You’re not removing warmth — just removing evaluation.
That’s fine. Just notice after. You can even add: “Good job — you got all those blocks in there.”
Over time, the description will come first.
They might be expecting “good job.” Give it time.
Some kids take a week to adjust. They might even ask “Was that good?” You can say: “You tell me — how do you feel about it?"
Just say what you literally see.
It doesn’t have to be profound. Noticing is enough.
For many ND kids, clear, specific information feels safer than “good” or “bad.” You’re giving their nervous system something solid to hold onto.
See External Adults Handout for scripts and “agree to disagree” ideas.
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge