Phase 4: Boundaries, Siblings, Problem-Solving
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting
Phase: 4 — Boundaries, Siblings, Problem-Solving
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
This step, you teach kids that problems have solutions and relationships survive mistakes.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. Just do ONE repair this week — say “I’m sorry, I messed up” to a child after you lose your cool — and if that’s all you do with this whole course, that’s still meaningful.
Remember the order:
- Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
- Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
- Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
- THEN: this step’s tool
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill | Problem-solving (6-year-old) + practice runs (twins) | 5-10 min conversations |
| 2. Parent Practice | Do one deliberate repair | One moment this week |
| 3. Environment | Start simple weekly family check-in | 10-15 min once/week |
If you only have…
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one — Track 2 (the repair) is often the most transformative, but any track you do is worth celebrating.
If you like paper, print the Step 12 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Two things predict resilient, well-adjusted kids:
They believe they can affect outcomes. This comes from having their ideas heard and seeing solutions work.
They’ve experienced relationship repair. Ruptures (fights, yelling, disappointment) are inevitable. What matters is what happens AFTER.
Kids who experience consistent repair learn:
Kids who DON’T experience repair learn:
If you’ve rarely or never done repair before, you haven’t “ruined” anything. Kids are remarkably responsive to even small, new experiences of repair — it’s never too late to start.
Once you practice problem-solving and repair:
Step 11 gave you tools for during-conflict safety (the Safety Ladder). This step is about what happens after — when everyone is calm, how do you solve the underlying problem and repair the relationship?
Pick a SMALL, RECURRING problem to start. Not “you never listen” — something specific like:
| Step | What to Say | What You’re Doing |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Pick the moment | Wait until everyone is calm and receptive | Not during the problem |
| 2. Acknowledge feeling | ”I’ve noticed mornings are really hard. You seem frustrated.” | Showing you see her side |
| 3. Describe problem | ”And I’m frustrated too because we keep being late.” | Stating your side without blame |
| 4. Ask for ideas | ”What do you think we could do about this?” | Inviting her brain into the solution |
| 5. Brain-dump | Write down ALL ideas — even silly ones (“hire a butler”) | Showing all ideas welcome |
| 6. Choose one to try | ”Which one should we try tomorrow?” | Giving her ownership |
| 7. Check back | Next day: “How did that work? Do we need to adjust?” | Following through |
If your brain goes blank, that’s normal. You can come with 2-3 starter ideas written down and say, “Here are some ideas I had; want to add any or pick one?”
If the first idea flops, that’s not failure — that’s data. “Okay, that didn’t work. Let’s try a different one next time.”
If your child or you don’t like sitting and talking:
Morning problem:
“Hey, can we talk about mornings? I’ve noticed you seem really frustrated when I tell you to get dressed, and I feel frustrated when we’re rushing. I don’t want us to start every day upset. What do you think we could try?”
Screen time problem:
“Ending screen time has been really hard lately. You get upset, I get upset. I wonder if we can figure out something that works better. What ideas do you have?”
Sibling problem:
“You’ve been really frustrated with the twins lately. That makes sense — they’re a lot. What do you think might help you get some space from them?”
They’re too young for collaborative problem-solving. Instead, build skills through:
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| ”Put on your shoes" | "Red shoes or blue shoes?" |
| "Time to eat" | "Spoon or fork?" |
| "We’re leaving" | "Walk to the car or hop like a bunny?” |
Before conflict happens, rehearse:
| Skill | Practice Run |
|---|---|
| Taking turns | ”Let’s practice! I have the ball. Now I say ‘your turn’ and give it to you. Now you say ‘my turn’ and give it back.” |
| Using words | ”When you want something, say ‘mine’ or ‘my turn.’ Let’s practice. Say ‘my turn!’” |
| Transitions | ”In 5 minutes we’re going to the car. Let’s practice! When I turn off the music, we walk to the car. Ready? [Turn off music] Yay! You walked to the car!” |
| 6-Year-Old | 2-Year-Old Twins |
|---|---|
| Can engage in back-and-forth problem-solving | Can’t yet — too abstract |
| May need help generating ideas at first | Respond to choices and practice |
| Can remember solutions for next time | Need many, many repetitions |
| Will test if you follow through | Won’t understand why rules exist |
Time: One moment this step
Goal: Model that mistakes are survivable and relationships can heal
Repair is what happens AFTER you mess up. You will mess up. Everyone does.
Repair teaches your kids:
Repair doesn’t mean your feelings or needs don’t matter. It just separates your behavior (“I yelled”) from your worth (you’re still a good parent) and theirs (they’re still a good kid).
When you’ve yelled, lost your cool, been unfair, or hurt their feelings:
| Step | What to Say | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Own it | ”I yelled at you. That wasn’t okay.” | No excuses, no “but” |
| 2. Name your feeling | ”I was really overwhelmed.” | Helps them understand, models naming emotions |
| 3. State love + plan | ”You’re a good kid having a hard time. I’m working on shouting less.” | Reassures them and shows you’re trying |
You don’t have to hit all three parts perfectly. Even a short, imperfect, slightly awkward repair is many times better than none.
| Don’t | Why |
|---|---|
| ”I’m sorry, BUT if you hadn’t…” | This is a blame, not an apology |
| ”You made me yell” | They’re not responsible for your emotions |
| Excessive guilt/self-flagellation | Makes it about you, not them |
| Demand they accept the apology | Repair is given, not extracted |
| Promise you’ll never do it again | You might. Honesty matters. |
| ”See? I apologized, now you have to be fine” | Makes repair a control move instead of connection |
For 6-year-old:
“Hey, can I talk to you for a second? I yelled at you earlier about the toys. That wasn’t okay. I was really tired and overwhelmed, but that’s not an excuse. You’re a good kid, and you didn’t deserve to be yelled at. I’m working on staying calmer. I love you.”
For 2-year-old twins:
Keep it simpler. Crouch down, gentle voice: “Mama got too loud. I’m sorry. I love you.” Offer a hug if they want one.
If verbal apologies feel performative or script-y:
If you’re prone to excessive guilt:
If naming your feelings is hard (alexithymia is common in ND parents):
Time: 10-15 minutes once this week (then weekly if it works)
Goal: Create a ritual where problems get named and solved together
Pick a time that works weekly:
Keep it SHORT. 10-15 minutes max. If it becomes a slog, kids will dread it.
Three questions, go around the table:
| Question | Purpose |
|---|---|
| ”What went well this week?” | Builds positive focus, everyone shares a win |
| ”What was hard this week?” | Names problems without shame |
| ”One thing we want to do differently?” | Action-oriented, forward-looking |
If open questions are hard (for you or your 6-year-old), offer a menu:
If you or your kids are sensory-sensitive:
Try an asynchronous check-in: everyone draws or writes their “good / hard / different next time” on sticky notes and you read them together, or even just you read them.
| 6-Year-Old | 2-Year-Old Twins |
|---|---|
| Can answer all three questions | Can answer “what was fun?” |
| May have sibling complaints — validate without fixing | May point to something, say one word |
| Can suggest solutions | Participate by sitting at table, being included |
“We’re going to try something new. Every [Sunday], we’re going to sit together for 10 minutes and talk about our week. Everyone gets a turn. No one gets in trouble for what they say. Here are the questions…”
If the 6-year-old has been frustrated with sibling dynamics, this is where to channel it:
“What’s one rule you think would help everyone get along better?”
Write it down. Try it for a week. Check back.
Some families love check-ins. Some don’t. If yours resists:
After you’ve used the Safety Ladder (Step 11) and everyone is calm, this is how you guide repair.
Repair applies to sibling relationships too.
When one child hurts another (accidentally or on purpose), guide repair:
For the child who hurt:
For the hurt child:
We’re helping them notice impact and offer care, not teaching them they’re responsible for someone else’s feelings forever.
| 6-year-old hurts twin | Twin hurts 6-year-old | Twin hurts twin |
|---|---|---|
| ”[Twin] is upset. I know you didn’t mean to hurt her that badly. What could help?“ | 6-year-old: validate. “That hurt. Your brother is 2 and still learning.” To twin: “We don’t hit. Hitting hurts.” (Simple, no long explanation) | Comfort hurt twin. To hitting twin: “Ouch, that hurt brother. Gentle hands.” (Then redirect — they don’t have the brain for repair yet.) |
For the twins, comfort and simple limits (“Gentle hands”) are enough; expecting a true repair from a 2-year-old will only frustrate everyone.
This is Step 12 of 12 — the end of the core curriculum. If you’ve gotten this far in any form (even skimming), that’s a huge win.
It’s normal to loop back to earlier weeks or stay here longer. Skills grow in loops, not straight lines.
You’ve got this when:
You can do a repair after rupture — apologize simply, without excessive guilt, without “but you…”, and then move on.
Not perfectly. Not every time. Just… when you mess up, you know how to come back. And your kids are starting to see that mistakes are survivable.
Mastery here does not mean you always repair or always stay calm. It means repair is available to you as a tool, even if you sometimes forget or are too overwhelmed.
70% is good enough. If you’re doing this some of the time and more than you used to, that’s success.
If repair still feels impossible or shame-spiraling, stay on Step 12. This is the hardest skill in the curriculum for many parents.
The repair is about THEM, not about you processing your guilt.
Keep it brief:
If guilt lingers, that’s for your own processing (journal, therapy, self-compassion practice) — not something to work out with your child.
If you still feel awful, that doesn’t mean the repair “didn’t count.” The repair can land for your child even while your brain is screaming at you. Trust the action, not the shame thoughts.
Possible reasons:
Don’t force it. Try once, drop it, try again another day.
They won’t at first. Keep them SHORT (30 seconds) and make them silly/fun.
The practice run is planting seeds. Don’t expect them to remember in the moment for months. Keep practicing.
It often does at first. Common fixes:
The same repair template works with your partner — especially when kids witnessed the conflict.
| Kid Repair | Partner Repair |
|---|---|
| ”I yelled. That wasn’t okay." | "Earlier when I said ‘you never help,’ I was overwhelmed." |
| "I was really tired." | "I’m sorry I said it that way." |
| "I’m working on staying calmer." | "I wish I’d said ‘I’m at my limit — can you take over?’” |
If kids saw you arguing:
“You heard us disagreeing earlier. We were both stressed. We’ve talked and we’re okay now.”
See the Co-Parenting Guide for more on partner repair.
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge