Phase 3: Cooperation Without Coercion
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting
Phase: 3 — Cooperation Without Coercion
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
This step, you describe what you see and give information — instead of commanding.
Now that you’ve built connection during big feelings (Phase 2), we’re ready to work on cooperation without coercion (Phase 3).
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. Instead of “Put on your shoes!” try “I see bare feet. We leave in 5 minutes.”
If your brain is fried, this is not a “do it perfectly” week. One experiment per day (or less) is enough. Commands are still allowed; we’re just gently shifting the ratio over time.
Remember the order:
- Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
- Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
- Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
- THEN: this step’s tool
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill | Replace commands with description/information | Throughout day |
| 2. Parent Practice | Count commands for one day, replace one | 1 day tracking |
| 3. Environment | Create one visual support | 20-30 min once |
If you only have…
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 1 is the core skill) and call it a win.
Minimum week: Pick one situation (e.g., shoes in the morning) and only practice description/information there. Ignore everything else if you need to.
If you like paper, print the Step 7 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
In Steps 5-6, you focused on naming feelings and co-regulating during big emotions. This week, we use that connection to shift how you invite cooperation.
Commands trigger resistance. It’s human nature — nobody likes being bossed around.
When you describe what you see or give information, you:
“Put on your shoes!” = You’re in charge, obey.
”I see bare feet. We leave in 5 minutes.” = Here’s the situation, you know what to do.
The second approach treats them as capable. Kids rise to meet that expectation.
Once you internalize “describe, don’t command,” you stop:
You start:
| Instead of… | Try Description | Or Information |
|---|---|---|
| ”Put on your shoes!" | "I see bare feet." | "We leave in 5 minutes." |
| "Clean up your toys!" | "I see blocks everywhere." | "When toys are in the basket, we can find them later." |
| "Brush your teeth!" | "I smell breakfast breath." | "Teeth need brushing before stories." |
| "Come to dinner!" | "I see your plate on the table." | "Dinner is getting cold." |
| "Stop running inside!" | "I see running feet." | "Inside is for walking. Outside is for running." |
| "Be quiet!" | "I hear loud voices." | "The baby is sleeping." |
| "Get dressed!" | "I see pajamas." | "We put on clothes before breakfast.” |
For 2-Year-Olds (Twins):
| Situation | Description/Information |
|---|---|
| Won’t put on shoes | ”I see bare feet! Shoes go on feet.” (Touch feet, point to shoes) |
| Throwing food | ”I see food on the floor. Food stays on the plate.” |
| Won’t come for diaper | ”I see a wet diaper! Dry diaper coming.” (Keep it light, playful) |
| Hitting sibling | ”I see hands hitting. Hands are for gentle.” (Physically guide if needed) |
Keep it VERY simple. Short sentences. May need physical guidance too — they’re still learning words.
For 6-Year-Old:
| Situation | Description/Information |
|---|---|
| Hasn’t started homework | ”I see an empty worksheet. Homework is done before screen time.” |
| Clothes on floor | ”I see your clothes didn’t make it to the hamper.” |
| Dawdling in morning | ”I notice you’re not dressed yet. We leave at 7:30.” |
| Didn’t clear plate | ”Your plate is still on the table.” (Wait. Let them figure it out.) |
The one-word version (after they know the expectation):
Less words = less nagging, less resistance.
For very literal or anxious kids, keep your tone neutral and matter-of-fact, not sarcastic. Same words, different tone = very different impact for ND brains.
After describing or giving information: WAIT.
Don’t immediately follow up with more words. Give them 10-30 seconds to process and respond. This is especially important for ND kids.
The wait shows you trust them to figure it out.
If it helps, silently count to 10 or take 3 slow breaths so you don’t fill the silence.
Processing time:
Visual supports may help more than words:
If auditory processing is an issue:
If the words feel controlling to them anyway:
Time: 1 day of tracking, then ongoing awareness
Goal: Notice your command patterns and replace one per day
Day 1: Count
Day 2 onward: Replace one
Most parents are shocked at how many commands they give. 50+ per day is not unusual with young kids.
Common patterns:
If tracking feels overwhelming:
If this feels like too much, skip the counting and just move to “catch one command and rephrase it” on any day you choose.
Executive function is limited, especially if you’re ND and tired. It’s okay if some days you have zero capacity for this.
If you notice yourself going into command-mode when stressed:
Time: 20-30 minutes once this week
Goal: Create one visual support for a recurring issue
A visual cue that shows expectations without you having to say words.
Pick ONE recurring issue only. Ignore the rest for now.
| Recurring Issue | Visual Support |
|---|---|
| Morning routine chaos | Picture schedule on fridge (wake → potty → clothes → breakfast → teeth → shoes) |
| Coat/shoes everywhere | Photo of where they go, taped at kid-eye level |
| Forgetting lunch prep | Checklist with pictures by the door |
| Bedtime battles | Visual bedtime routine poster |
| ”What can I eat?” | Photo list of approved snacks on pantry door |
Visuals are especially powerful for ND kids and ND parents: they cut down on talking, memory load, and repeated nagging. Avoid cluttered posters or too many colors; simple, calm visuals are easier for ND brains to use.
Simple option:
Slightly fancier:
Minimum viable version:
When everyone’s calm:
For 2-Year-Olds (Twins):
For 6-Year-Old:
When kids are in conflict, try describing instead of commanding:
| Instead of… | Try… |
|---|---|
| ”Stop fighting!" | "I see two kids who both want the same toy." |
| "Share!" | "There’s one toy and two kids who want it." |
| "Say sorry!" | "He’s crying. His arm got hurt." |
| "Be nice to your brother!" | "I see someone feeling left out.” |
Then wait. Often they’ll start problem-solving once the situation is named neutrally.
Follow-up (if needed):
If they freeze or seem stuck, you can gently scaffold: “Do we need a timer? A turn-taking plan? Or two toys?”
If anyone is in meltdown, use your Step 5-6 skills first (name feelings, co-regulate), then shift into describing.
You’ve got this when:
You catch yourself before commanding and rephrase — at least once a day.
Not every time. Not even half. Just… the awareness is there. You pause, think “command or describe?” and sometimes choose describe.
If that’s not happening after a week, stay on Step 7. This is a deep habit change.
A few things might be happening:
Sometimes you DO have to command (safety, urgency). That’s fine. The goal is reduction, not elimination.
Start practicing in lower-stakes moments (afternoon, weekends). Once it’s more automatic, it’ll work in mornings.
In true time-crunch: do what you need to do. Practice when there’s margin.
In true time-crunch or meltdown moments: do what you need to survive. This skill is for practice windows, not emergencies.
If they’re dysregulated (too loud, too bright, too tired), their brain may not be available for any kind of language. Focus on calming the environment first.
They’re learning. Pair words with physical guidance:
It’s planting seeds. Understanding comes with repetition.
If they say “I KNOW we leave in 5 minutes!”:
The point isn’t to be right — it’s to give information and let them choose.
Many ND kids use arguing as a way to process or to feel some control. You can acknowledge their knowledge without dropping the information.
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge