Choices & Playful Invitations

Phase 3: Cooperation Without Coercion

📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge

Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting

Phase: 3 — Cooperation Without Coercion
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)

The One Thing

This step, you replace power struggles with play and simple choices.

That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. When conflict starts, ask: “Can I offer a choice or make this playful?”

Remember the order:

1. Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
2. Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
3. Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
4. THEN: this step’s tool

This Step Has 3 Tracks

If you only have…

• 10 seconds: Offer one 2-option choice today (ND: never more than 2)
• 1-2 minutes: Turn one request into a silly voice or game
• 15 minutes once this step: Map out your week’s rhythm (A days vs C days)

You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 1 is great for reducing battles) and call it a win.

If you like paper, print the Step 8 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.

Why This Matters

The Science (30-second version)

Power struggles activate the stress response in everyone — kids dig in harder, and you get more frustrated. But play and autonomy work differently:

• Choices give kids a sense of control, which reduces resistance
• Play keeps the brain in “approach” mode instead of “threat” mode
• Both bypass the fight-or-flight that causes standoffs

This isn’t bribery or being a pushover. You’re still in charge — you control what the choices are. You’re just making cooperation feel possible.

Waldorf Lens (Optional): Waldorf recognizes play as the child’s “work” — their natural mode of engagement. When you make cooperation playful, you’re speaking their developmental language. See Waldorf Lens for more.

What This Changes

Once you internalize “play beats power,” you stop:

• Escalating volume when kids resist
• Getting into who-will-break-first standoffs
• Feeling like every transition is a battle

You start:

• Having a few playful moves ready
• Noticing when you’re about to power struggle
• Getting more cooperation with less exhaustion

Track 1 – Child Skill: Choices and Playful Invitations

Last step you practiced describing instead of commanding. This week you add two more options: choices and play.

The Two Tools

1. Two-Option Choices

• Offer exactly 2 options — both acceptable to you (for ND kids, never more than 2)
• Keep it simple: “X or Y?”
• Don’t offer a choice you can’t honor

2. Playful Invitations

• Use silliness instead of commands
• Works especially well when they’re not yet flooded but are resisting

Choice Examples

The Rule: Both options must be acceptable to YOU. If you can’t live with either choice, don’t offer it.

Playful Invitation Moves

Age Adaptations

For 2-year-olds (twins):

• Keep choices VERY simple — just two concrete options
• Play works especially well at this age — use it liberally
• They may ignore choices entirely — that’s okay, just pick for them

For 6-year-old:

• More complex choices are okay
• May try to negotiate a third option (see Troubleshooting)
• Some playful moves may feel “babyish” — follow her lead

Twin dynamics:

• Giving twins the SAME choice avoids comparison (“Both of you: jammies first or teeth first?”)
• If one chooses for both, let it go OR let other twin override (“Your turn to pick”)
• Racing twins against each other can backfire — race them against YOU instead

ND Adaptation

Limit to 2 choices — more options can overwhelm ND brains (this is your okay-enough default). If they freeze, reduce to 1: “Let’s do shoes first.”

Processing time — wait 5-10 seconds after offering the choice. Don’t re-ask immediately.

PDA profile — even two choices can feel like pressure or a trap. Try:

• Playful invitations instead of choices
• Indirect choices: “I wonder what would happen if we put on shoes…”
• Giving autonomy over HOW, not WHETHER
• Sometimes allowing “no” and coming back later, so choices don’t always mean “you must comply now”

If choices consistently escalate, drop them for a few days and lean fully into playful invitations.

Track 2 – Parent Mini-Practice: Replace One Power Struggle with Play

Time: 1-2 minutes when conflict is brewing
Goal: Notice one moment daily where you’d normally push harder — and try play instead

If today is survival mode, your only job can be to notice when a power struggle starts (even if you don’t change anything yet).

The Practice

1. Notice the urge to “get louder” or “make them”
2. Pause. Ask: “Could this be silly instead?”
3. Try ONE playful move (robot voice, whisper, race, etc.)
4. Notice what happens — not whether it “works,” but how it FEELS

Why This Specific Practice

You’re building a new default. Most of us escalate volume when kids resist. This rewires toward “what if I go sillier instead of louder?”

It won’t always work. That’s not the point. You’re practicing a new option.

ND Adaptation

If play feels performative or exhausting:

• Pick ONE move that feels natural to you (maybe whisper, maybe race)
• Use just that one. You don’t need a big repertoire.
• It’s okay if your “play” is dry or deadpan — kids often find that funny too

If you’re too flooded to be playful:

• That’s data, not failure
• Revisit Track 2 from Step 1 (hand-on-heart breath) or your Step 6 Yell-Less Plan
• Play requires you to be regulated first

Track 3 – Environment Mini-Project: Audit A Days vs C Days

Optional: If this week is survival mode, you can skip this and just focus on Track 1 or 2.

Time: 15 minutes once this week
Goal: Map your family’s weekly rhythm for arousing vs calming activities

The Concept

• A Days (Arousing): Busy, stimulating, out-of-routine, lots of transitions, new places/people
• C Days (Calming): Slow, predictable, home-based, low-demand

The Task

1. Look at your typical week (or last week)

2. Mark each day A or C (or somewhere in between)

3. Look for patterns:

   • Two A days in a row? → Harder behavior likely on day 2-3
   • Long stretches without a C day? → Meltdowns accumulate
   • C day after hard events? → Recovery happens

4. One adjustment: Can you add even a half-day of “C” after your busiest days?

Why This Matters

ND Adaptation

• ND kids (and honestly, most kids) need recovery time after high-stimulation days
• “Misbehavior” often = nervous system still processing yesterday’s big outing
• You can’t always control the schedule, but you can notice patterns

Example Week Audit

Pattern spotted: Friday + Saturday are both A → Sunday meltdowns likely.
Adjustment: Sunday morning is deliberately unscheduled. No “quick errands.” Stay home.

Sibling Twist

Choices and play both work for sibling conflicts:

Choices for sharing:

• “Who goes first: Lila or you?” (then, “Okay, you’ll be next”)
• “Trade now or in 2 minutes?”
• “Play together or take turns?”

For PDA/ND kids, it can help to offer a solo option too: “Play together, take turns, or each play with different toys?”

Play for defusing:

• Absurd voice: “OH NO! Two people want the same toy! This is a DISASTER! What should we DOOOOO?”
• Sportscaster: “And Lila reaches for the truck! Will she share? The crowd waits!”
• Redirect to silliness: “Quick! Both of you hide from me before I catch you!”

When play doesn’t work: That’s fine. Not everything is play-solvable. Revisit brain state check (aka: is anyone too flooded for play?). If they’re flooded, revisit your Step 6 co-regulation tools, then try choices or play once they’re calmer.

Mastery Indicator

You’ve got this when:

You have 2-3 playful moves that you reach for naturally — at least some of the time.

You don’t have to be a constantly-playful parent. You just have a few go-to tools for when resistance starts.

If you’re still fighting every transition, stay on Step 8. Build your playful toolkit.

Troubleshooting

”My kid says ‘neither’ or demands a third option”

For 2-year-olds: Just pick for them calmly. “Okay, I’ll pick. We’re doing red shirt.”

For 6-year-old: You can either:

• Hold the line: “Those are the two choices right now.”
• Sometimes negotiate: “What’s your idea?” (if you have bandwidth and it’s not urgent)

If negotiation becomes constant, limit it: “Today I’m not negotiating. Shoes or jacket?"

"Play feels fake and exhausting”

Pick ONE move that feels okay (whisper is often the easiest). Use only that.

Or: Be deadpan silly. “Oh no. The shoes. We must put them on. The tragedy.” Dry humor counts.

If you’re too depleted for play, that’s information about YOUR state. Address that first.

”They don’t respond to play anymore”

Rotate moves. The same bit gets stale.

Check: Are they flooded? Play doesn’t work on flooded brains. Wait, then try.

Some days they’re just not in the mood. That’s not failure.

”I offered a choice and they melted down anyway”

Choices reduce resistance — they don’t eliminate meltdowns.

Check: Was the choice overwhelming (too many options)? Was there actually a right answer you wanted?

If they’re flooded, the choice was probably too late. Next time try earlier, or just skip to gentle guidance.

”My PDA kid explodes as soon as I offer a choice”

• Treat the choice itself as a demand signal — their brain hears “You must cooperate now”
• Drop choices for a bit and use:
  • Playful invitations (“I’m going to tiptoe to the bathroom like a cat…”)
  • Indirect wondering (“I wonder which shoes would run fastest…”)
  • True flexibility about timing when possible
• Your goal isn’t to “win them over” every time, but to reduce threat around daily tasks

Further Reading

Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.

• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen (Faber & Mazlish), Chapter 3 — Alternatives to punishment: offering choices, taking action
• Playful Parenting (Lawrence Cohen), Chapters 4-6 — Using play to bypass resistance and build connection
• How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen (Faber & King), Chapter 3 — Playful approaches specifically for toddlers

📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge