Phase 4: Boundaries, Siblings, Problem-Solving
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge
Jump to: Why This Matters · Track 1: Child · Track 2: Parent · Track 3: Environment · Siblings · Mastery · Troubleshooting
Phase: 4 — Boundaries, Siblings, Problem-Solving
Duration: 1 week minimum (repeat if needed)
This step, you hold a boundary without yelling or caving — while staying present.
That’s it. If you’re overwhelmed, stop reading here. When you set a limit, stay calm and stay there. “I’m here with you.”
If all you do this step is use one of these scripts once, that counts.
You’re entering Phase 4: all your play, choices, and descriptive noticing still count — this step is what you do when those aren’t enough.
Remember the order:
- Check brain states — flooded or receptive? (Step 1)
- Connect first, name & validate feelings (Steps 2, 5)
- Co-regulate / time-in if needed (Step 6)
- THEN: this step’s tool
| Track | What | Time |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Child Skill | Hold boundaries calmly; use “Two Things Are True” | Throughout day |
| 2. Parent Practice | Pick one wobbly boundary and practice holding it once | 1-2 min |
| 3. Environment | Implement “one in, one out” for toys/stuff | 20 min once |
If you only have…
You do not have to do all 3 tracks. If life is intense, pick one (Track 1 is core) and call it a win.
If you like paper, print the Step 10 Quick Reference Card and only use that this step.
Kids test boundaries because they NEED to know the walls are solid. When limits wobble — when you cave after pushback, or explode instead of holding — kids feel less safe, not more free.
Sturdy leadership means:
This isn’t rigidity. It’s calm confidence. The limit is the limit. AND you’re still here for them emotionally.
Buddhist Lens (Optional): This is equanimity and allowing struggle. You’re a mountain while weather changes around you — sturdy, present, not swept away by their storm. Brave Parenting calls this “building moccasins”: when you hold a boundary and tolerate their upset, you’re allowing the safe struggle that grows resilience. The goal isn’t a smooth trail today, but a more skilled climber over time. See Buddhist Lens for more.
ND guardrail: For ND kids, “allowing struggle” never means removing needed accommodations — only manageable challenges within their window of tolerance, with you as their secure base.
Waldorf Lens (Optional): Waldorf calls this “loving authority” — the warm, steady adult whose calm confidence helps children feel safe. Think of yourself as the captain of the ship: clear, warm, and in charge. See Waldorf Lens for more.
ND guardrail: Some ND kids (especially PDA profiles) experience even gentle authority as threat; adjust firmness and use more collaborative language if you see spikes in panic or aggression.
Once you internalize “hold and stay,” you stop:
You start:
1. “Two Things Are True” — Your Default Script This is your go-to for most limits. It acknowledges their want AND holds the boundary.
Formula:
“You want ___. AND it’s time to ___.” “You wish you could ___. AND we need to ___.”
The AND is key — it’s not BUT. Both things are real.
For ND and PDA kids especially, this may be the only script you need. It validates without triggering demand-resistance.
2. “I Won’t Let You” — Optional, Safety-Only A calm, clear statement for physical safety situations (hitting, running into traffic, etc.).
Important: Many ND/PDA kids escalate when they hear “I won’t let you.” If that’s your child, skip this phrase entirely — use “I’m going to keep everyone safe” or just act without words. See the ND Adaptation section below.
Formula:
“I won’t let you [hit/hurt/throw]. I’m here with you.” “I’m going to keep you safe."
| Situation | Script |
|---|---|
| Doesn’t want to leave park | ”You want to keep playing. AND it’s time to go home.” |
| Wants another cookie | ”You wish you could have more. AND we’re done with cookies for now.” |
| Doesn’t want bath | ”You want to keep playing. AND it’s bath time.” |
| Wants screen time | ”You wish you could watch more. AND screens are done for today.” |
| Doesn’t want to share | ”You want to keep it. AND your sister gets a turn too." |
| Situation | Script |
|---|---|
| Hitting | ”I won’t let you hit. I’m here with you.” |
| Throwing things | ”I won’t let you throw. I’m going to keep everyone safe.” |
| Hurting sibling | ”I won’t let you hurt Lila. I’m here.” |
| Running in parking lot | ”I won’t let you run here. I’m going to hold your hand.” |
| Hitting (PDA-sensitive) | “I’m going to help your body be safe.” (block/step between without extra words) |
If “I won’t let you” makes things worse, you can skip those words and just help their body be safe.
For 2-year-olds (twins):
| Situation | Script | Action |
|---|---|---|
| Hitting sibling | ”I won’t let you hit.” | Move their body gently away |
| Throwing food | ”Food stays on the plate.” | Remove plate calmly |
| Running from diaper change | ”It’s diaper time.” | Calmly pick up, bring to changing area |
| Screaming for tablet | ”You want more. AND tablet time is over.” | Stay nearby, let them feel it |
For 6-year-old:
| Situation | Script | Action |
|---|---|---|
| Wanting more screen time | ”You wish you could watch more. AND screens are done.” | Turn it off (or have it auto-off) |
| Not wanting to do homework | ”You don’t want to do this. AND homework happens before play.” | Stay nearby, don’t engage in argument |
| Hitting when angry | ”I won’t let you hit. I’m here.” | Block or move away, stay present |
| Negotiating bedtime | ”You want to stay up. AND bedtime is now.” | Start routine, don’t debate. Use the bedtime routine you built in Step 9 as your anchor here. |
Twin dynamics:
“I won’t let you” may escalate PDA kids. Try instead:
Transition warnings help: Give 5-10 minute heads up before the boundary kicks in.
Visual schedules can reduce verbal battles — the schedule says what’s next, not you.
Shutdown vs. meltdown: If your child goes quiet/shut down instead of melting down, they’re still flooded. Stay present: “I’m here. Take your time.”
Time: 1-2 minutes reflection + one practice opportunity
Goal: Identify your weakest boundary and practice holding it calmly once this step
Identify your wobbliest limit — Where do you usually cave? Where do you yell instead of hold?
Decide what you’re going to do — Not just what you’ll say, but what you’ll DO.
Write this one limit on a sticky note or phone note (e.g., “screens end at 7”). When it comes up, you’re not deciding from scratch — you’re just following the note.
One boundary, one time. You’re practicing the FEELING of holding without caving or exploding.
You won’t be perfect. You might wobble. You might get louder than you wanted. That’s data.
If you forget in the moment, that’s okay — noticing afterward (“Ah, that was my wobbly boundary”) is still progress.
If holding limits triggers your own shame spiral or rejection sensitivity:
If your child’s distress is overwhelming to you:
Time: 20 minutes once this step
Goal: Maintain the simplicity gains from earlier weeks
You decluttered earlier. Now keep it from creeping back.
One in, one out (most of the time): When something new comes in, aim for something to go out.
Notice what’s accumulated — Birthday gifts? Hand-me-downs? Random stuff from grandparents?
Choose items to release — Equal to what came in (roughly)
Make it a family norm (6-year-old can participate):
For toys the kids won’t let go:
This is about space and ease, not consequences. If it becomes a battle, pause and try again another time.
Boundaries with siblings need extra clarity:
Both kids get the same rule:
Stay neutral-ish:
Two Things Are True for sibling wants:
After boundary holding:
You’ve got this when:
You hold a boundary without yelling or caving — at least sometimes. And you stay present through the upset.
Not every time. Not perfectly. Just… sometimes you feel yourself holding, not collapsing or exploding, and staying in the room.
70% is good enough. If you’re doing this some of the time and more than you used to, that’s success.
If every limit still ends in yelling or caving, stay on Step 10.
That’s co-regulation stress. Their dysregulation dysregulates you.
Remember:
If it’s overwhelming:
This happens, especially with PDA profiles.
Try:
How long is “forever”? Sometimes 15-20 minutes feels like an hour.
Check: Are you caving because it’s genuinely unsafe, or because it’s unbearable?
If unsafe → of course, adjust
If unbearable → that’s the practice. Sit with it. “I’m here. I know this is hard.”
Sometimes kids need to know you can handle their big feelings. When we often change the limit to stop a meltdown, kids may learn that their upset might change the rule, which makes limits feel less solid.
Different boundaries between caregivers is confusing but survivable.
Start with: “When I’M here, this is the limit.” You can only control yourself.
Later, when you have bandwidth, align on 2-3 non-negotiables (safety stuff).
If your partner undercuts or escalates your boundary in front of kids:
See the Co-Parenting Guide for more on disagreeing without making each other the enemy.
Optional. Skip if overwhelmed.
📋 Quick Reference Card — Print this for the fridge