Before using ANY tool, run this sequence:
- Check brain states (Step 1) — Flooded or receptive?
- Connect first (Step 2) — Presence before problem-solving
- Name & validate (Step 5) — “You seem…”
- Co-regulate if needed (Step 6) — Be their calm
- THEN: Apply this step’s tool
If you forget everything else, just run this sequence and stop at Step 6.
| Step | Core Question / Move / Mantra | Phase |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Brain States — “Flooded or receptive?“ | 1 |
| 2 | Connect First — “Connect before correct” | 1 |
| 3 | Simplicity Boost — Reduce environment stress | 1 |
| 4 | Special Time — Child-directed play | 2 |
| 5 | Naming Feelings — “You seem…“ | 2 |
| 6 | Emotion Coaching — Co-regulation | 2 |
| 7 | Description & Information — “I see…“ | 3 |
| 8 | Choices & Play — “Would you like X or Y?“ | 3 |
| 9 | Descriptive Noticing — “You put…“ | 3 |
| 10 | Sturdy Leadership — “Two things are true” | 4 |
| 11 | Sibling Safety — Safety Ladder | 4 |
| 12 | Problem-Solving & Repair — “How did our plan work?“ | 4 |
| Step | Core Question / Move / Mantra | Phase |
|---|---|---|
| 13 | Deep Problem-Solving — Full Plan B | 5 |
| 14 | Freeing from Roles — “See fresh each day” | 5 |
| 15 | Requests vs Demands — “Would you be willing…?“ | 6 |
| 16 | Self-Empathy — “What do I need?“ | 6 |
| Phase | Focus |
|---|---|
| 1 | Regulated Parent, Safer Home |
| 2 | Connect & Name Feelings |
| 3 | Cooperation Without Coercion |
| 4 | Boundaries, Siblings, Problem-Solving |
| 5 | Advanced Autonomy (extension) |
| 6 | Parent Sustainability (extension) |
The 70% Standard: If you’re using these tools 70% of the time, you’re doing great. Perfection isn’t the goal—repair is always available.